


On the Point of Breakdown

by Scrange



Series: Holby City Spoof Scenes [3]
Category: Berena - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 08:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8482123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrange/pseuds/Scrange
Summary: [one of a series of Holby City spoof scenes - all iconic dialogues (mostly between Bernie and Serena) which are hopefully recognisable. All are written keeping as closely as possible to the original, but with wildly, and generally ridiculously, divergent meanings. This one spoofs the carpark scene in S18 E20 when Bernie and Serena first meet]Wherein Serena is at her wits' end with the pure cinnamon roll misery that the Holby scriptwriters keep throwing in the Campbell direction, and demands some action of a more titillating variety ...





	

Serena  
(on the phone) Hello? Is that the writing team? What part of 'I need some romance, today’ are you struggling to script? … Hello? *lowers phone in despair*

Bernie  
Sex drive been howling or pining? Any promising whiff of hot or scorching new interns?

Serena  
*harrumphs* Define ‘promising’.

Bernie  
*casts a cursory look over the scene, and adopts a stern, yet ever-so-slightly amused, tone* Oh dear! Middle-aged female character bed-death may have descended.

Serena  
Sounds bad. *grimaces*

Bernie  
Tis, if you ever want your heart to beat faster again.

Serena  
Funny, you don’t look like the sodding hacks. Well, apart from that strange contraption you have there. 'Gaydar beam, ’ eh?

Bernie  
Oh, I’m not a writer; *laughs saucily* I’m your new love interest. *extends a perfect, elegant hand, with telltale shortly-clipped fingernails. Serena’s normally so observant of the finer details of grooming. How could she have missed this, not registered what it might mean?*

Serena  
Ah, you must be Berenice Wolfe! Serena Campbell. *gives off frantic, yet unconscious, eyebrow action while shaking hands … now glancing down and gesturing hastily at the peculiar gun-like gadget poised between Bernie’s fingers. Oh, those fingers!* … I think you’re meant to point it.

Bernie  
No, ha ha … I’ve had this old thing for two years. The writers made me take it when I left the Dr Who set. So I tore up every dress I had, just started wearing trench coats and skinny jeans, and cultivating a hoarse, adorably dorky manner. No idea how this thing works, *peering at the gun* … but I thought I’d keep it as a symbol … of my sapphic appeal, my future queer icon status. *looks skywards, in mock innocence*

Serena  
As seduction tools go, it’s a bit pants - you know, stuck on 'Yes of course you are, Bernie,’ as it is. Set it to 'Slay the straight girl’, however, and who knows what could happen …?

Bernie  
Ooh, now that would go really nicely with some lingering looks and killer smiles *wistful grin, and the first of innumerable, highly gif-able hair swishes*

Serena  
Oh dear, those writers are clearly going to sacrifice all vestiges of heterosexuality.

Bernie  
Ha, I wish you’d tell them to hurry up about it!


End file.
